Breaking news: God to retire!

“If the Pope can do it, why not Me?”

So said God, in an exclusive interview with Beyond Locals Only in which he confirmed rumors that have been swirling around the clouds: After creating and ruling over the universe for eons, he is retiring.

Excerpts of the interview transcript:

Beyond Locals Only: Mr. God, why now, after all these years?

God: Well, I would say, “It’s time” – but then again, I’m timeless. So let’s just say I feel like it. I had a thought, and when I have a thought, it becomes reality.

BLO: You’ve done great work, few would deny that. But there are those who say You’ve lost a step – Your thunder isn’t as loud as it used to be, there hasn’t been a plague in who-knows-how-long, and even Holy Wars seem to be a thing of the past. Your response?

G: True, maybe I have mellowed a little, as the years have gone by. But I can still rear back and bring it, when I want to. To my critics, I have one word: Katrina.

BLO: That was a good one.

G: Thanks.

BLO: So – unless You change Your mind – what happens now? Who’s in charge of everything, now?

G: I’m handing over the keys to the universe (multi-verse, if you want to get technical) to The Kid.

BLO: Is He ready for it?

G: (chuckling) I’ve been grooming him for two thousand years. If not now, when?

BLO: What kind of leader do You think He’ll be?

G: Funny you should ask that, We were just talking about that at our morning conference in The Peace Room – His term, I used to call it “The War Room.” Which pretty much illustrates the differences in our philosophy. I was a loving God – but tough love. And don’t cross me, unless you want to be up to your ears in frogs. (chuckling to Himself) We’ll have to see how this whole “love your enemies” plays out. Because you tend to catch a whole new batch of enemies, when you’re at the top, and I mean the top-of-the-top like Frank Sinatra – I bless his soul – used to sing about.

BLO: With all due respect, Mr. God, some people say You’ve really become obsolete – that if computers haven’t entirely replaced God, they’ve made You irrelevant. Your response?

G: (response not audible, over ear-splitting thunder, crackling lightning and the bowel-jolting rumble of earthquakes)

BLO: (after the noise stopped) I’m sorry, Sir, but I didn’t quite catch your answer.

G: (smiling) Want Me to repeat it?

BLO: No! Thank you very much, I’ll just put you down as “no comment.”

G: I will say that We above the cloud line don’t have to worry about computers. The Internet is really doing the Devil’s work, so expect to see Satan in the unemployment line, any day now.

BLO: And as for You? What are Your plans, in retirement?

G: (deep, satisfied sigh) That’s just it: No plans. No more blessing half the population at flu season, and the other half when allergies kick in. No more working from sun up to sun down – and I mean that literally, as I, of course, make the sun rise and set. No more entering all the countless (except by Me, of course) sins and sadly-fewer good deeds in My universal spreadsheet (and thank Me for Excel). The world can spin backwards, now, for all I care.

BLO: Will you travel?

G: I’ve been everywhere and done everything. No, I’m just going to retreat to a little slice of heaven that I’ve got tucked away. And do . . . nothing.

About Tom Scanlon

Tom Scanlon started his journalism career as a sports stringer with the Pittsburgh Press (RIP) and Post-Gazette, then moved on to the Seattle Times, Mesa Tribune etc. He is the author of plays including "The Superhumans" and novels including "Ocean Shores Tourist Killer," "Atlantis City," and, now, "The Immaculate Jagoffs of Pittsburgh."
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9 Responses to Breaking news: God to retire!

  1. just sayin' says:

    “Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.”
    – Cyril Connolly

  2. Carol says:

    Oh, don’t leave us now…when the villains are proposing more changes to camping and rv’s in heaven.

  3. AnonyMe Jr. says:

    How does this relate to O/S Tom?

    • AnonyMe says:

      “AnonyMe Jr” Really??? That’s the best you can do for a name??? Get a baby book. Find one with only a few letters that no one else uses. I can see from your writing that you know but few words but Really??? That’s the best you can do??? If all else fails and no one will read the book to you may I be the one to suggest an appropriate alias for you? How about “fool”???

  4. God's Realtor says:

    Seabrook or Ocean Shores? Which will he choose?

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