Beyond Locals Only, Volume 3: Imaginary Truths (featuring cameos by Courtney Stodden and the City of Ocean Shores)

Here is what happened:

The sports world was shocked (shocked!) by this week’s double-whammy: First, superstar biker Lance Armstrong told Oprah Winfrey he had been lying for years when he said he didn’t use performance-enhancing drugs. He told Oprah he quit cheating in 2005. Several in the sport suggested he was lying again about this . . .

Then, Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o (with his attorney by his side) told ESPN’s Jeremy Schapp in an off-camera interview the truth about a “girlfriend” he had previously told reporters he met online, who supposedly had died tragically. Te’o told Schapp he lied when the told reporters he had met her, as he had been pranked – the girl never existed. He also noted he had a “real” girlfriend.

Here is what will happen:

Armstrong goes on Oprah again, and admits he had lied to her. “The truth is that I was cheating long after 2005,” he will tell Oprah. He will claim a “truth disability.”

She will ask, “Are you lying about that?”

“No comment,” he will answer.


In his own follow-up interview, Te’o will have three attorneys and demand that all questions be delivered in the form of pantomime. Schapp, who has his own attorney present, will nod in agreement.

During the interview, Te’o will tearfully admit regret over his inspiring speech before the national championship game, during which he cried, “Let’s win one for ‘the Hoaxer’!”

Notre Dame was crushed by Alabama in the title game.

The follow-up interview will be interrupted by a phone call. It will Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend. “I may be imaginary, but I’m breaking up with you – you big fat lying cheater!” she will say.

She will express her upset that, during their Internet romance, Te’o had a “real” girlfriend.

A stunned Te’o will beg her to come back.


In yet another interview with Oprah, Armstrong will claim he was duped into doping by “a trainer I met on the Internet.” The biker will insist he was tricked into thinking the trainer had an incurable illness, and begged him from his deathbed to “take performance enhancers in memory of me.”

“I’m going to ask you point blank,” Oprah will say. “Did you or did you not secretly have engines on your bike?”

Armstrong will make a quick phone call, then reply, “My attorney advised me not to answer that question.”


Beyond Locals Only has done some investigative reporting on both stories.

BLO contacted Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend. Asked if she was still upset with the football star, she said, “Let’s put it this way: I’ve hired Gates of Hell Attorneys at Law to represent me. That dude might be a linebacker, but he’s about to see what a blitz is all about.”

She added that she has been contacted by Ryan Gosling about a sequel to one of his movies.

And there is a local angle: “I’ve been getting ‘reality lessons’ from Courtney Stodden.”


In an even more stunning local news development, Beyond Locals Only has learned that Lance Armstrong plans to move to Ocean Shores. Asked why, his manager (who may or may not be imaginary) said:

“It’s a good place for Lance to re-invent himself. And we see a lot of work there, for Lance. He plans to be a campaign speech coach and consultant to the City of Ocean Shores.”

Armstrong is said to be “very interested” in buying a condo at the (former) Villages of Ocean Shores.

About Tom Scanlon

Tom Scanlon started his journalism career as a sports stringer with the Pittsburgh Press (RIP) and Post-Gazette, then moved on to the Seattle Times, Mesa Tribune etc. He is the author of plays including "The Superhumans" and novels including "Ocean Shores Tourist Killer," "Atlantis City," and, now, "The Immaculate Jagoffs of Pittsburgh."
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6 Responses to Beyond Locals Only, Volume 3: Imaginary Truths (featuring cameos by Courtney Stodden and the City of Ocean Shores)

  1. Watching Out says:

    Very interesting about Lance Armstrong moving to Ocean Shores. But will his bike be able to navigagte our weed-infested streets as he bike-hikes between the Jetty and the IAG via the So. Razor Clam bridge? I’m sure the rumor is true if it appears in Beyond Locals Only. And it was discussed at the January City Council study session?

    This will increase the real estate sales activity and maybe re-institute the plans for the Ocean Shores Aquarium, and encourage some of the defaulted LID properties owned by the City to start selling at premium prices.

    It should be an exciting year in Ocean Shores, especially with Lance moving in and the Fall elections. Me thinks the renewed North Coast News (whenever that occurs) should include Beyond Locals Only as the featured weekly column. Good idea anyone? Maybe contact the Senate out in Atlantis City for a little support on pushing for this dandy column.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Lance has a long history of taking up with sleazy singers.Enter Stodden.All pumped up and ready to deny the truth.

  3. sheltered2 says:

    Don’t worry! They will figure out a special utility to cover bike paths with extra weeds growing in them all over town.

  4. Nicky Anderson and Dougie Dog says:

    .aah I was eagerly awaiting a chance to swim with sharks,and to have an in depth relaionship
    with tigers. La.nce Armstrong seems very .tame by contrast.

  5. Bob Buoy says:

    ? Yawn…

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