NFL star kills girlfriend — gets 3-game suspension

Commissioner: “It would’ve been longer, but she didn’t press charges”

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Obama: “If Republicans won’t try to impeach me … I’ll impeach myself!”

Threatens executive order. Republicans decry “publicity stunt.” Ted Cruz: “Who does he think he is – Cleavon Little?”

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“Johnny Football” to change name to … “Johnny Picksix”

Close runners-up: “Johnny Dipshit”: “Can’tthrowthe Football”: “Johnny Bust”

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Is America REALLY the greatest country in the world?

Has anyone done a study? I’d hate for all those conservative talk-show hosts to be wrong ….

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Breaking News: Donald Sterling to enroll in Douchebags Anonymous

“I need help,” Sterling says, in a release. “I’m learning I really don’t hate ‘the blacks,’ I’m just a douchebag.” Richie Incognito rumored to be Sterling’s D.A. sponsor. Quote from Dennis Rodman, founder of the group: “That motherf*cker is welcome any motherf*cking time. I don’t care if he’s a motherf*cking racist, I love that motherf*cker and I’ll kill him and eat his motherf*cking heart to prove it.” When a reporter asked him if he was on drugs, Rodman snapped, “None a your business, Mickey Mouse ears and Donald Duck nose!” 

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Details on NBA’s “lifetime ban”: Sterling ordered to “pee while sitting down”

Legal experts question validity of that, and some of the other NBA “lifetime ban” rules on Clippers racist owner, including:

-“Only Twee about white things”

-“Remove and refrain from replacing all bedroom posters of Laker girls”

-“Immediately cease and desist from saying ‘Our guy Walton was much better than that punk Alcindor”

-“Remove Facebook post stating ‘The only black doctor I have any respect for is Julius Irving”

-“Not only stay at least a mile away from professional games, but don’t even think about basketball”

-“. . .must pee while sitting down, to avoid ‘dribbling'”

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Please join me in my drive to stamp out the whistling cell phone ring

Your contribution of as low as $1 and as high as infinity will help me make society a less annoying place to live.

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US Airways responds to outrage, promises to provide ALL first-class passengers porn tweets

“Every 15 minutes you wait on the tarmac, we’ll send you fresh smut.”

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Please join me in my fight to outlaw “Selfies”

We must stop this, NOW, before it’s too late!

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Obama: “You CAN keep your doctor. As a friend.”

White House insider says Prez’s “you can keep your doctor under the new plan” quote was “taken out of context. He meant you can always stay on close terms with your doctor — there’s absolutely nothing in the Affordable Care Act that says you can’t be friends with your old doctor on Facebook. You can go golfing together, catch a movie — whatever! And, even if your doctor isn’t covered by your ACA plan, there’s nothing that says your doc can’t treat you on a pro bono level.”

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Snowden: NSA hacking Netflix accounts! (White House denies “any and all knowledge of this or anything else bad”)

German Chancelor Merkel: “I thought something was funny, when I got a documentary on J. Edgar Hoover, instead of ‘The Obama Deception.'” White House denies “any and all knowledge of this or anything else bad.”

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Reminder: If you don’t have health insurance by Tuesday, penalties range from $50 to . . . death

Obama rep says “death sentence” for repeated offenders was not in original plan, “something we had to do to get the Tea Party on board.”

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Obamacare bombshell: Under plan, contraception is not only covered, it’s MANDATORY!

Fine for unprotected sex: $50 (first offense), $250 (second offense), $1,000 (third offense). 

**This apparently was Obama’s tit-for-tat (ahem) after Republican leaders agree to hush story of a Chicago prostitute who allegedly used Food Stamps to purchase condoms, porn magazines and handcuffs. (Irony Department: The handcuffs later turned up on the belt of a Chicago Police Department sergeant!)

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NFL’s MVP (Most Valuable Punk) is . . .

Richie Incomprehensible! (Who else?!) He wins a bag of flies . . . and tearing the wings of them will give him hours of fun!

. . . More on the “All-Punk Team” later.

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Putin: “We eat Ukraine. The food, I mean.”

In exclusive interview, Russian leader claims buildup of Russian troops on border is “only due to soldiers like nice restaurant there. I should stop? No. We eat Ukraine. The food, I mean. Don’t put invasions in my mouth. We are only protecting our stomach and appetite. . . . What? . . . No, not appetite for land, for food! Food! Now get the *&#@ out of here before I invade your ass!”

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Gays decide not to picket funeral of anti-gay preacher

“We thought about it . . . but decided it would be too boring. And he’s had enough free pub.”

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Putin targets next invasion: Pussy Riot

Ready to use argument “Russian pussy must be protected!”

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Marshmallow Guts, Johnny Douchebage 1-2 in my “Mock” draft

My new “mock” draft

No. 1, selected by Useless Texans: Marshmallow Guts, at 260 pounds running a 4.5 40 — he’s a classic Combine poster-boy who will be out of the league in three years

No. 2, selected by Cleveland Brownies: Johnny Douchebag. Brownies simply can’t resist chance to continue mediocrity, trade up (giving away their first two picks this year and next, as well as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame) with Rams for the sleazeball QB

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Putin: “Maybe I invade Obama’s pajamas next!”

White House official laughs off remark. “That’s just Putin being Putin.”

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Ellen pondering “sexual retirement.” May go back in the closet.

“Being gay used to be hip, edgy — now even football players are doing it. It’s becoming a cliche’.”

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“Don’t even think about it!” Obama issues stern warning after rumors Putin may invade Alaska.

Insider says Putin “has always felt in his heart that Alaska belongs to Russia.” Palin outraged. McCain launches harangue, passes out.

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Pope horrified after honorary-Oscar acceptance speech faux pas.

Slaps forehead backstage: “Oh my God — I forgot to thank God!”

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Hearing-impaired woman wins lawsuit, City forced to hire her as 911 operator.

First caller bleeds to death; family outraged — “How many times did he have to say ‘I need an ambulance’? He was on the phone for two hours, he could have walked to the hospital!”

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“I love you,” she said. And then, as often, added a caveat: “As much as it’s possible to love someone you loathe.”

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Watch this clip . . . and then buy an “I Heart Antonio Smith” T-shirt

http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000231848/article/antonio-smith-swings-helmet-at-richie-incognito

Proceeds of sales for research on a cure for meatheaditis.

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