“Every 15 minutes you wait on the tarmac, we’ll send you fresh smut.”
We must stop this, NOW, before it’s too late!
White House insider says Prez’s “you can keep your doctor under the new plan” quote was “taken out of context. He meant you can always stay on close terms with your doctor — there’s absolutely nothing in the Affordable Care Act that says you can’t be friends with your old doctor on Facebook. You can go golfing together, catch a movie — whatever! And, even if your doctor isn’t covered by your ACA plan, there’s nothing that says your doc can’t treat you on a pro bono level.”
Snowden: NSA hacking Netflix accounts! (White House denies “any and all knowledge of this or anything else bad”)
German Chancelor Merkel: “I thought something was funny, when I got a documentary on J. Edgar Hoover, instead of ‘The Obama Deception.’” White House denies “any and all knowledge of this or anything else bad.”
Obama rep says “death sentence” for repeated offenders was not in original plan, “something we had to do to get the Tea Party on board.”
Fine for unprotected sex: $50 (first offense), $250 (second offense), $1,000 (third offense).
**This apparently was Obama’s tit-for-tat (ahem) after Republican leaders agree to hush story of a Chicago prostitute who allegedly used Food Stamps to purchase condoms, porn magazines and handcuffs. (Irony Department: The handcuffs later turned up on the belt of a Chicago Police Department sergeant!)
Richie Incomprehensible! (Who else?!) He wins a bag of flies . . . and tearing the wings of them will give him hours of fun!
. . . More on the “All-Punk Team” later.
In exclusive interview, Russian leader claims buildup of Russian troops on border is “only due to soldiers like nice restaurant there. I should stop? No. We eat Ukraine. The food, I mean. Don’t put invasions in my mouth. We are only protecting our stomach and appetite. . . . What? . . . No, not appetite for land, for food! Food! Now get the *&#@ out of here before I invade your ass!”
“We thought about it . . . but decided it would be too boring. And he’s had enough free pub.”
Ready to use argument “Russian pussy must be protected!”
My new “mock” draft
No. 1, selected by Useless Texans: Marshmallow Guts, at 260 pounds running a 4.5 40 — he’s a classic Combine poster-boy who will be out of the league in three years
No. 2, selected by Cleveland Brownies: Johnny Douchebag. Brownies simply can’t resist chance to continue mediocrity, trade up (giving away their first two picks this year and next, as well as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame) with Rams for the sleazeball QB
White House official laughs off remark. “That’s just Putin being Putin.”
“Being gay used to be hip, edgy — now even football players are doing it. It’s becoming a cliche’.”
Insider says Putin “has always felt in his heart that Alaska belongs to Russia.” Palin outraged. McCain launches harangue, passes out.
Slaps forehead backstage: “Oh my God — I forgot to thank God!”
First caller bleeds to death; family outraged — “How many times did he have to say ‘I need an ambulance’? He was on the phone for two hours, he could have walked to the hospital!”
“I love you,” she said. And then, as often, added a caveat: “As much as it’s possible to love someone you loathe.”
Proceeds of sales for research on a cure for meatheaditis.
Pouncey to co-star . . . if he can stay out of jail.
All-Pro guard: “There will be no gayness in the NFL on MY watch!”
a) Extended Happy Hour
b) Casual Friday
c) “Twates” (Twitter Dating)
d) Medical Marijuana To Treat Colds (“Stone a Cold, Tweak a Fever”)
e) Unattended Kids Running and Screaming Through Stores
Enjoy saying it while you can, homophobes!
Federal agents, similar to Air Marshals, to enforce new anti-bullying, sexual harassment etc. regulations.
Owner: “I was afraid to go to work!”
Skating community, while “shocked and confused,” vows acceptance.